The 20-Sided Theatre
Episode 0: Rhomande's Insufferable Basterds in The Carbohydrate Conundrum
Cast:
Rhomande's Insufferable Basterds
Rhomande Sorfinde, Bard in Extraordinaire & Host-Proprietor of The 20-Sided Theatre – Rudraigh Quattrin
Dark Brother Smid Kaltrops, President of Bear Industries – Jon Abinante
Issa Featherfoot, Pengonquin Princess – Ceri Quattrin
Imenand Shenouda, President of The Shenouda Necromancy Corporation – Blake Parker
Tad Decent LLC, Town Exterminator of Oakvale – Chris Wong
Thrimlach Lenanion – Cian Quattrin
Vrogol, King of Vrath Keep, etc. (see “King of-” list) - Mike Solso
NPCs
The DM – Rudraigh Quattrin
Sir Gnome – Rudraigh Quattrin
Joren Swiftriver, Warchanter & Drummer of The Band of the Red Hand – Blake Parker
Torrea Marsvel - Cian Quattrin
The Wiz – Cian Quattrin
The Ragamuffin - Ceri Quattrin
The Cleric - Blake Parker
Snakeman - Rudraigh Quattrin
Bread Guild Receptionist - Cian Quattrin (as the Wiz)
Turtle Guard 1 - Ceri Quattrin
Turtle Guard 2 - Jon Abinante
Chef Torté - Blake Parker
Councilman 1 - Chris Wong
Councilman 2 - Cian Quattrin
Scene 1:Show Opening & Theme Music
SFX: (90352_dobroide_20100213-tuning-02.wav)
Vrogol: **From “offstage”** QUIET!! TIME FOR START SHOW! VROGOL DEFEAT AUDIENCE!!
SFX: (2d20 rolls)
The DM: Your Move Silent and Hide checks are successful. SFX: **Permanency**(reverb and/or effects on voice of the DM, as he is “outside” the world of the show)
SFX: (pause)(51136_rutgermuller_Cough (short))
Rhomande: Good evening Lords and Ladies. You have chosen your evening's entertainment quite wisely. You are about to experience the most wondrous spectacle in all of Western Scottalia. I am your Host-Proprietor, Rhomande Sorfinde, and I welcome you...to The 20-Sided Theatre!
The Wiz: **From “offstage”** Dancing lights! SFX: (121558_sbarncar_whistleandreport.aif x 5 (bunched in time with opening of Theme Music)
Theme Music: (VCMG – Victory Flower Fields – 20-Sided Theatre Edit)
Scene 2:Interrupted Introductions
SFX: (40555_frequman_pulley-2.wav)
Music Bed: (Sylvius Leopold Weiss – Courante in F Major.mp3)
Rhomande: We join our...Heroes...
The DM: (interrupting) Really? Heroes?
Rhomande: Yeah, Heroes.
The DM: Ugh...Give me a bluff check. SFX: (d20 roll) Godsdamnit. (muttered to self). Fine...Heroes.
Rhomande: It is the day of our ...Heroes' meeting with the mysterious Don Vincenzo, head of the League of Scottalian Bread Merchants at the Hall of Wheat. Allow me to introduce you...to The Insufferable Basterds. Dark Brother Smid Kaltrops! The Half-Bear Monk and President of Bear Industries. A shapeshifter of near insurmountable strength and speed.
Smid: SFX: (70333_mrbubble110_bear-roar.wav)The Scottalian Bread Merchants think they can strong-arm Bear Industries out of business‽ Not if I have anything to say about it. Which I will.
Rhomande: Thrimlach Lenanion! A blindfolded Elf Sorcerer with a potato perched on his shoulder and his minions Torrea Marsvel, an Undead Paladin and Sir Gnome, his faithful Gnome-Skeleton valet.
Thrimlach: Come along, Torrea. You too Sir Gnome! Or I'll put you in a maze!
Torrea: Yes sir.
Sir Gnome: Yes Master.
Rhomande: Tad Decent LLC, Town Exterminator of Oakvale. Undoubtedly the most accurate archer in all of Western Scottalia.
Tad: I'll turn Don Vincenzo into a pincushion.
Rhomande: Imenand Shenouda. He is known throughout The Empire as The Weaponsmith and he serves as President and spokesman of The Shenouda Necromancy Corporation. A mummified Human Wizard, accompanied by his Skeletal-Cat Familiar, Bastet.
Imenand: SFX: (4914_noisecollector_cat2.wav) You can count on The Shenouda Necromancy Corporation. When you need it dead yesterday.
Rhomande: Issa Featherfoot, Pengonquin Princess. A 7' tall shapeshifting Penguin Rogue!
Issa: Bow before the Princess of the mighty Pengonquin tribe or I'll peck you in the face!
Rhomande: And last, but definitely not least: Yours truly, the inexplainable Rhomande Sorfinde! Bard in Extraordinaire, Beloved of Millions, The Light of the Shining Dawn…
Issa: (interrupting) *ahem* Get on with it!
Rhomande: An Elfen Bard of pan-dimensional acclaim. But you already knew that, didn't you? Lords and Ladies of my beloved audience, recline upon your gilded seats, quaff your libations and thoroughly enjoy your evening at The 20-Sided Theatre!
End Music Bed: (Sylvius Leopold Weiss – Courante in F Major.mp3)
Scene 3:Do You Know The Ragamuffin-Man?
SFX: (Start: 36321_lonemonk_yet-another-bar-crowd-june-2007.wav (low volume))
The DM: Today is the day of your meeting with Don Vincenzo. It is the Hour of The Sun. The dawn breaks over the city of Caer Ras, capital of Western Scottalia. The Insufferable Basterds are in the already busy common room of The Silver Calf, without a doubt the finest of Caer Ras' many inns.
Imenand: Rhomande when is our meeting with this...Don Vincenzo?
Rhomande: Weren't you paying attention, Imenand? The message we received last night informed us to go to the Hall of Wheat today at the Hour of The Council.
Imenand: That's not for 3 hours! Let's knock over another bakery on the way there!
Thrimlach: Before we go I'm going to send Torrea on patrol. Torrea! Go get me a ragamuffin!
Torrea: As you command, Lord Thrimlach. SFX: (38764_dobroide_20070808-horse.wav (middle section)
The DM: SFX: (38764_dobroide_20070808-horse.wav (middle section)She comes back a moment later, pulling a dirty child by his long, greasy, black hair. All the while she is still riding her horse, Spirit of the Swift Wind.
Thrimlach: Well done Torrea!
Torrea: What do you want the ragamuffin for, sir?
Smid: Human sacrifice!
Torrea: I'm going to let him go. This one's not very good stock. You're going to want a Highborn child for Human sacrifice, not some ragamuffin out of an alleyway.
Thrimlach: See if he has no teeth!
Torrea: Do you have no teeth, boy?
Ragamuffin: Lemme go you big crazy leathery bitch!
Thrimlach: Well, sounds like somebody needs to go on a...quest! SFX: (82229_timbre_zebedee-s-evil-twin-2.mp3) A quest to clean your mouth out. Go to the Monastary hidden deep in the Echo Mountains where the Purity of Language is studied. Learn about Language and how to use it properly.
Ragamuffin: I...I will, Master! I'll go to to top of the, of the language and learn to talk fuckin' proper!
Thrimlach: Beware Ragamuffin! If you fail to complete your quest something horrible will happen to you! I don't know...What bad thing should happen? Hmm...I cast Time Stop! SFX: (49241_zerolagtime_tape-slow4.wav), (Stop: 36321_lonemonk_yet-another-bar-crowd-june-2007.wav) What bad thing should happen to him?
Tad: Thrimlach, you realize that by sending him on a quest to the Monastary of the Echo Mountains, he'll come back someday as a lvl 20 Monk?
Smid: A Monk proficient in languages. Many languages. Magic is a language. Combat, a language. A deadly, deadly language.
Thrimlach: Yeah. So what? Now, what's a bad thing that can happen on a mountain top that's language-related?
Tad: Goat strike!
Thrimlach: No Tad, too simple! Also: not language-related.
Imenand: His tongue could permanently freeze solid. He would never be able to speak again.
Thrimlach: Alright, sounds good. Time! SFX: (48310_dkifer_handclap.wav x2 (slight spacing between)(49241_zerolagtime_tape-slow4.wav (played in reverse))(Start: 36321_lonemonk_yet-another-bar-crowd-june-2007.wav) Unstopped. Now go!
Ragamuffin: I...I...Huh? Where?
Thrimlach: To the mountain, boy!
Rhomande: I'm sorry, you don't have any parents so you're going to go study with monks.
Ragamuffin: But I do have parents! Me mum is right over...
Thrimlach: (interrupting) No parents at all! So it's off to the Echo Mountains, boy!
Ragamuffin: Y...Yes sir!
Tad: Ah, The Insufferable Basterds. We are the crucible through which the next generation is forged.
Thrimlach: This horrifying, yet strangely charismatic party comprised primarily of Necromancers and Undead.
Rhomande: Sometimes a weapon is forged to fight a foe. Sometimes a weapon is forged to defend a town.
Thrimlach: Sometimes you teach children inane lessons about not cursing even though it doesn't really matter. Onward!
Scene 4:Scottalian Starbucks
The DM: SFX: (25271_freesound_to-be-booed-ses1.wav) The Hall of Wheat is in the middle of Caer Ras' town square. On each corner there is Scottalian Bread Merchant bakery. They're like the Scottalian Starbucks. The town square is full of angry people mobbing around the bakeries.
Tad: Rhomande, why don't you find out...
Thrimlach: (interrupting) I'll disguise myself as a Pengonquin Warrior and Gather Information! SFX: (2d20 rolls) *Penguin Noises*
Cleric: Why yes, I am a Cleric who happened to have cast Comprehend Languages. Although...I still don't understand what you're saying.
Thrimlach: *Penguin Noises*
Cleric: Perhaps my spell hasn't been attuned correctly...SFX: (58932_mattwasser_radio-noises.aif)
Thrimlach: *Penguin Noises*
Cleric: Oh the crowds, yes the crowds. The bakeries are all closed. We cannot find bread.
Thrimlach: *Penguin Noises*
Cleric: And all the mills are outside of town half a day's journey! How are all these peasants going to feed themselves?
Thrimlach: *Penguin Noises*
Cleric: I don't understand...Water? Swimming?
Tad & Issa: Snakes!
Cleric: Oh, Snakes! Well, since the bakeries closed, peasants have been eating roasted snakes...I suppose they're the only edible thing we can find in the city.
Thrimlach: The snake supply will soon run out. I mean...*Penguin Noises*
The DM: Give me a Disguise check against his Sense Motive.
Thrimlach: One. SFX: (83916_timbre_benboncan-Fail Trombone.m4a)
The DM: The Cleric finally notices that it looks like you're wearing a tuxedo and have a yellow cup stuck on your face like a beak.
Cleric: Wha-What's this disguise all about? What kind of person are you?
Thrimlach: Umm...A normal, regular old person.
The DM: Give me a bluff check.
Thrimlach: SFX: (d20 roll) Natural 20! SFX: (110317_timbre_remix-of-62176-fanfare-before-after.wav)
Thrimlach: That's right: A normal, regular old person. I just happen to be blindfolded and wearing a Penguin suit. Do you have a problem with that, eh?
Cleric: Well no, of course not.
Thrimlach: Is that illegal in this town? Hmm? Hmm?
Cleric: No, no, no. Of course not.
Thrimlach: Eh, fatso?
Cleric: Who do you think you are!? I'm not fat, I'm paunchy!
Thrimlach: Well, fair enough. I'll see ya in 10 years. Well, I gathered some information. I learned the following: *Penguin Noises*
Issa: YOU CAN'T SPEAK PENGUIN!!
The DM: You know Thrimlach, if you put 2 points into Speak Languages, you can speak Penguin.
Issa: I hate you.
Thrimlach: Idunno, I might like this better.
The DM: No, wait, that would make it even worse, because you'd still just be going *Different Penguin Noise*
Smid: So rather than making fun of Penguins using our word for making nonsense noises, you'd do it using the Penguin word for making nonsense noises.
Issa: I hate you.
Scene 5:Trenchcoat Snake
SFX: (34253_ddohler_hard-walking.aif)
Snakeman: Pssssssssst...Ya hungry? Want to buy sssome roassst sssnake?
Thrimlach: Eew. You're a Snakeman selling roast snake out of your grimy trench coat?
Issa: What the hell, Snakeman Why are you seeling roast snake?
Thrimlach: That's like a cannibal selling Human meat.
Snakeman: I sssell roassst sssnake becaussse all the bakeriesss are...closssed today.
Tad: I kick him in the shin. SFX: (94855_cjosephwalker_foley-kick-impack.wav)
Snakeman: Oww! Look, I'm jussst trying to make sssome money.
Tad: I kick him in the other shin. SFX: (94855_cjosephwalker_foley-kick-impack.wav)
Snakeman: Aah!
Tad: How did you know the bakers were going to be closed today?
Snakeman: Becaussse I wasss laid off lassst night.
Tad: I'm going to kick you in the shin again. SFX: (94855_cjosephwalker_foley-kick-impack.wav)
Snakeman: OWW! Look, my cousssin wasss...
Issa: That roast snake you're holding, is that your cousin‽
Snakeman: No!
Issa: Are you sure?
Snakeman: Quite sssure, thisss isss my sssecond cousssin. My firssst cousssin wasss part of an exxxperiment down in in Drellen'sss Ferry. Apparently the sssnakes they hired were being forccced to knead bread dough on sssome sssort of hellishhh asssembly line. I only got one letter from him. I never heard from him again.
Smid: Of course. How could anyone know they were being mistreated?
Snakeman: Ssso...You wanna buy a sssnake? Very deliccciousss!
Issa: Can I get a sample first?
Snakeman: Sssure, try this one.
SFX: (83684_braffe2_chewing.wav (short bit of it))
Issa: Meh, not as good as Mermaid jerky.
Smid: Hold on a minute, don't try to distract us with your “roast snake for sale”-schtick! Why are all the bakeries closed?
Snakeman: The bakeriesss are all closssed today becaussse apparently sssomebody'sss been killing the bakersss.
Issa: Oh, really?
Snakeman: Indeed. Sssomeone with no ssspirit.
Issa: What makes you say that?
Snakeman: Bread isss the fundament of Wessstern Ssscottalian sssoccciety. It'sss a sssymbol of everybody working together. The farmer. The Teamssster who bringsss it into the cccity. The Millersss. The Bakersss.
Tad & Issa: And the Candlestick makers!
Snakeman: Yesss, the Bakersss make it for the Candlessstick makersss. And the Bakersss can't make bread unlesss they can sssee by the Candlessstick makersss' light. And of course, a little bit of meat makesss everything better.
Smid: (interrupting starting around “...meat makes...”)Why are we talking to a Snake, you guys?
Issa: Because we thought he might know something. But apparently he doesn't! So I'm gonna take this snake and go.
Scene 6:Flea-Ridden
SFX: (25270_freesound_to-be-booed2-ses1.wav)
The DM: The bakeries are closed because you've been destroying bakeries for the past 2 days. The crowds are starting to get rowdier. The town guards are here in force, but they're not doing very well at keeping the people back from the bakeries. Someone in the crowd throws a brick through the window of a bakery. SFX: (59263_rock-savage_crash-glass.wav)
Smid: Riot!
Rhomande: Right! First things first: Seeming. SFX: (26877_cfork_cf-fx-batch-jingle-glock-rev.aif (first hit)) We all appear to be Gnomes now.
Smid: Gnomes couldn't possibly cause a riot.
SFX: (65872_bosone_sitar-resonant-str-c7-7.wav)
Rhomande: I'll also mass charm...113 citizens, and all the fleas upon them. They are now under my...
Thrimlach: (interrupting) Wow, I can't believe how many fleas came off of Sir Gnome! He is flea-ridden.
Imenand: Isn't he just a skeleton in some armor? He doesn't even have skin or hair!
Thrimlach: That's what's baffling!
Imenand: Well since the fleas are now following Rhomande, can I interest you in some Scarabs for Sir Gnome? Their lustrous exoskeletons would compliment the shine of Sir Gnome's armo...
Smid: (interrupting) Rhomande, just scatter them! Wild! On rampages to attack bakers, bakeries, town guards! Start the Great Scottalian Bread Riots!
Rhomande: Ok. As you ask, Master Bear.
The DM: In a gazebo on the Western side of the square, The Band of the Red Hand begins to play. Music Bed: (Raging Tears - Toutwoui) As their drummer, the Warchanter Joren Swiftriver begins to sing, a full-on riot breaks out.
Joren: (sung) I shall Inspire this Legion!
The DM: Everyone within 60 feet of the Warchanter temporarily gets a +19 Base Attack Bonus! The city is going to be devastated! SFX: (59263_rock-savage_crash-glass.wav) Very soon, complete pandemonium reigns.
Thrimlach: Everybody! Calm the fuck down!
Smid: Wait, no! We don't want people to calm down, this is perfect! The focal points of these riots are going to be the bakeries and the Bread Guild's assets, so this is really going to sap their resources. All their guards are going to be busy. In the midst of all this chaos, we go to the Hall of Wheat. Bread riots raging outside. Those are the circumstances under which we have our...discussion with Don Vincenzo.
SFX: (Fade out:(25270-freesound_to-be-booed2-ses1.wav)
Music Bed: (Fade out:(Raging Tears - Toutwoui))
Scene 7:Wizard College Brochures
Music Bed: (Crawl – Bart Spaans)
The DM: You enter the Hall of Wheat. There's a large bas relief of a village at work carved into the wall behind the reception desk.
Receptionist: Yes, and how can I help you today?
Imenand: We're here for Don Vincenzo.
Receptionist: I'm sorry, Mr. Vincenzo hasn't checked in yet, but I do believe you are expected by the Council. Just go through the door up the stairs on your left.
The DM: You climb the stairs. Guarding the door on the landing at the top are two slope-browed guards with protruding, hooked noses and fishy lips.
Thrimlach: I knew guys in Necromancy School who looked like that.
Turtle Guard 1: What...Do you want?
Smid: We're here to see the council. I'm going in there now.
Turtle Guard 2: Wait! Do you have...an...appoint...
Issa: (interrupting) Yes!
Turtle Guards 1 & 2: Ok...
Thrimlach: As I walk by I touch one of the guards on the shoulder...and cast Touch of Fatigue! SFX: (142611_autistic-lucario_slow.wav)
Turtle Guard 1: Ooof!
Thrimlach: Don't fall asleep on the job.
The DM: You walk into a room that is covered in a full-room mural. Farmers, millers, dairy farms...An idealized version of a town working in harmony.
Issa: Is it like those Wizard College brochures there there's like...A Gnome...and a Human...and a Half-Orc in a wheelchair?
The DM: Yes. Playing hacky-sack with a dried Goblin head. Give me a spot check! SFX: (7d20 rolls) You guys easily spot the secret door under the mural.
Music Bed: (Fade Out: (Crawl – Bart Spaans))
Issa: Search! SFX: (d20 roll)
Music Bed: (Fade In: (Escape! - VCMG))
The DM: You set off the a Wail of the Banshee trap! SFX: (64940_syna-max_wilhelm-scream.wav) Anyone not undead give me a Fort save! SFX: (4d20 roll) Tad Decent! You're dead! SFX: (43604_freqman_object-falls.wav)
Smid: Brutal.
Rhomande: Ouch. Should've worn earplugs.
The DM: Your Healer Maldreth is there with you, he'll just slap you with Revivify. Subtract 1,000 gold from your stores. SFX: (60769_dobroide_20080928-coins-05.wav) You're at -1HP until you get healed. Issa, give me a disable device check SFX: (d20 roll) You successfully disarm the trap! The door opens to reveal a kitchen.
Chef Torte: Mes Dieux! Who dares interrupt ze great Chef Torte!? Do not disturb ze souffle! Guards!
Smid: I'll charge the Chef. SFX: (70333_mrbubble110_bear-roar.wav (ending bit))(running steps)(86019_nextmaking_kung-fu-punch.aif)(135855_joelaudio_grunt-001.wav)(94855_cjosephwalker_foley-kick-impact.wav)(135854_joelaudio_grunt-002.wav)
The DM: Thew two guards rush in through the door and begin to change shape. They become large Wereturtles! The first guard attacks Rhomande with its staff!
SFX: (89769_cgeffex_fist-punch-3.mp3)
Rhomande: Oof!
Issa: He's a Godsdamn Koopa!
Imenand: I'll heal Tad! SFX: (140849_cyberkineticfilms_skyrim-heal-start.wav)
Issa: Charge!
The DM: The Wereturtle Guard gets an attack of opportunity as you charge him. SFX: (d20 roll)(89769_cgeffex_fist-punch-3.mp3)(“Super Kawaii” Issa Effort) He hits you with a scaly talon and your charge fails!
Issa: Godsdamnit! Friggin turtle! Somebody set this turtle on fire!
Torrea: Tad Decent, receive this healing. SFX: (140849_cyberkineticfilms_skyrim-heal-start.wav)
Chef Torte: Whatever you do, do not disturb mah souffle!
The DM: The second Wereturtle bites Imenand. SFX: (80550_ggctuk_comic-bite-1.wav)
Imenand: Arrrgh! Get off me, turtle!
Thrimlach: I cast a prismatic spray pointing...that way!
The DM: Casting next to him provokes an attack of opportunity.
Thrimlach: Fine!
The DM: On his attack of opportunity, he gets...SFX: (d20 roll) Natural 20! SFX: (110317_timbre_remix-of-62176-fanfare-before-after.wav)
SFX: (89769_cgeffex_fist-punch-3.mp3)
Thrimlach: Unf...Mother *Penguin Noise 2 syllables*. Does my spell still work?
The DM: Give me a concentration check. SFX: (d20 roll)(19487_halleck_jacobsladdersingle2.flac) Your spell fizzles, but you expend the mana.
Thrimlach: Can I quicken a prismatic eye?
The DM: Yeah.
SFX: (d8 roll) SFX: (25714_wolfsinger_weirdbreath.wav)
Thrimlach: He gets transported to the plane of my choice.
The DM: Where do you choose to send the Wereturtle Guard?
Thrimlach: I'm going to send him to Char/Char. Where Transformers and Starcraft Char mix.
The DM: Oh Gods. Where it's like the Zerg Vs the Galvatron Deceptacons in an eternal war.
Thrimlach: Exactly. SFX: (122984_zimbot_portalmalfunction-medium.wav)
Tad: The souffle is in the oven?
Issa: Kill the oven!
The DM: Yes, the large souffle is in the brick oven.
Tad: I'm going to fire an arrow through the opening of the oven into the souffle.
The DM: Alright. -4 to hit.
Tad: Hey! I have precise shot.
The DM: So no -4 to hit. SFX: (d20 roll) Your arrow strikes true!
Chef Torte: Non! You fooool!
SFX: (80401-steveygos93_explosion2.wav)(77074_benboncan_bricks-falling.wav)
The DM: The front of the oven collapses! A berserk souffle golem emerges from the ruined oven. Molten souffle filling squirts from the arrow wound, spraying Issa and Chef Torte. SFX: (103354_cognito-perceptu_squirting-bottle.wav)
Thrimlach: Oh dear. What have you done!? Eat the souffle! Quickly!
The DM: The souffle golem slams a fist into Issa's stomach. SFX: (20185_patchen_foot-stomp-c.wav)
Issa: Ooof.
Rhomande: Wereturtle! You're on my side now. SFX: (65872_bosone_sitar-resonant-str-c7-7.wav)
Turtle Guard 2: Uurrk!
The DM: The Wereturtle guard is now under your control. SFX: (2d20 rolls) Both of Smid Kaltrops attacks miss Chef Torte.
Smid: SFX: (70333_mrbubble110_bear-roar.wav) Godsdamnit! Nothing hits!
Rhomande: Guard! Knock Chef Torte on his ass!
Turtle Guard 2: Yes, master. SFX: (51163_rutgermuller_running-up-the-stairs.wav)(109073_m-o-m_impact-asteroid-heavy-whoosh-explosion-rock-punch-debris.wav)
Thrimlach: I summon a prismatic eye! SFX: (25714_wolfsinger_weirdbreath.wav)
SFX: (d20 roll)
The DM: Chef Torte fails his Will save.
Thrimlach: He's getting transported to another plane. He's going to Char/Char.
Chef Torte: (122984_zimbot_portalmalfunction-medium.wav)Noooo! Not Chhaaaarr! Everything iz overcooked zere!
SFX: (5d20 roll)(65734_erdie_bow02.wav (4 times))(83916_timbre_benboncan-Fail Trombone.m4a)
The DM: Tad, 4 of your arrows hit, but as you draw your last arrow...You somehow manage to trip yourself on it. You fall and drop your bow. SFX: (43604_freqman_object-falls.wav)(103354_cognito-perceptu_squirting-bottle.wav) Molten souffle filling spurts on Issa as the arrows hit home.
Issa: Owww...This is *penguin noise, 2 syllables* gross!
The DM: The souffle golem attacks you, Issa! SFX: (20185_patchen_foot-stomp-c.wav)(20185_patchen_foot-stomp-c.wav) Hitting you twice.
Rhomande: Hold monster! By the power of Rhomande, I command you stop, vile souffle!
The DM: The head of the souffle golem seems to perk up a bit, but it does not stop.
Smid: I'm going to attack the souffle! SFX: (2d20 roll)(86019_nextmaking_kung-fu-punch.mp3)(83916_timbre_benboncan_Fail Trombone.m4a)Shit.
The DM: Smid, your first attack hits the souffle, but with your second attack, you strike Issa and deal double damage! SFX: (107772_m-o-m_onion-break-hit-flesh-vegetable-blood-07.wav)
Issa: You suck! Well, I'm going to need some healing. A lot of healing.
Imenand: My polar rays will slow this creature! SFX: (25073_freqman_whoosh04.wav)(25073_freqman_whoosh04.wav)
The DM: The Souffle Golem is slowed, but takes no damage because it is immune to magic!
Thrimlach: What's your move, Penguin?
Issa: Well, I'm not going to hit Smid...
Thrimlach: (interrupting) What kind of Penguin tactics are you hatching in that brain of yours? Are Penguins tactical creatures? Or do they just wing it?
Issa: I hate you...Luckily the souffle golem is right here! PECK PECK! SFX: (7720_dalomargrimm_bone-cracking-2.wav)(7720_dalomargrimm_bone-cracking-2.wav)(103354_cognito-perceptu_squirting-bottle.wav)(103354_cognito-perceptu_squirting-bottle.wav)
The DM: You and Smid take fire damage as souffle innards squirt out of the gaping holes you leave in its side.
Thrimlach: Enjoy this nice, frosty wind Penguin! Perhaps this will cool your burns. ICE STORM! SFX: (16796_pushtobreak_wind1.aif)
The DM: The Souffle Golem is slowed, but again due to it's resistance to magic it takes no damage.
Thrimlach: That's *penguin noises (2 syllables)*, even cold magic!?
The DM: Even cold magic. It's like a Zombie now. It can only make single actions. It can move or attack once.
Tad: I stand up and retrieve my bow. Manyshot! SFX: (65734_erdie_bow02.wav x4 (super tight timing on the bunch to imitate multiple arrows fired at once)
The DM: Issa, Smid, and the Wereturtle Guard all take damage as more molten souffle filling sprays out from new the arrow wounds.
Issa: Somebody heal me! I have 13HP!
The DM: The Souffle Golem staggers after getting struck by Tad Decent's arrows. It sags, stops moving, and falls to the floor. Congratulations. Music Bed: (End VCMG-Escape!)
The Wiz: **From “offstage”** Dancing lights!
SFX: (110219_timbre_109438-klankbeeld-intro-brass-01-1-before-after.wav)
SFX: (121558_sbarncar_whistleandreport.aif x5 (quick bunch))
Rhomande: Anyone need healing?
Issa: I just said I need healing, you poncy elf!! SFX: (140849_cyberkineticfilms_skyrim-heal-start.wav)
Rhomande: Hey, what's that? My keen Elvish senses detect something. It's a secret door!
Scene 8:Use Magic, You Idiots!
Music Bed: (o_ame - Aon Téama.mp3)
The DM: The door opens easily, revealing the Council Hall. The town council from Oakvale sits around the table. There's a distinctly empty seat at the head of the table.
Councilman 1: What is this?
Smid: SFX: (70333_mrbubble110_bear-roar.wav) Treachery! Where is he!? Where is Don Vincenzo?
Councilman 2: Treachery? You weren't paying your taxes!
Councilman 1: We had to do something.
Smid: Who...What taxes?
Councilman 2: Civic Taxes! Who do you think runs the port?
Councilman 1: Or keeps the guards guarding the town?
Smid: Us! We do that!
Issa: Not you.
Councilman 1: Since when?
Issa: Since always.
Councilman 2: You've been gone! We had to do something, Bear. This Vincenzo showed up after you left.
Smid: Do we need to have a conversation with Stil Colemanani? I thought he was handling this. We left him in charge so we could oversee our...business ventures elsewhere.
Thrimlach: Yes, where is Stil?
Councilman 2: Soon after you left, he decided he'd rather study to be a Druid of the Frozen Summit than run the council, so he left.
Smid: Well, I'm sorry we didn't leave you with a proper chain of succession. You should have sent somebody, sent me some sort of message, I don't know...but this is unacceptable.
Councilman 1: But you've been gone for months! With no news! Nobody knew if you were alive, or dead, or...
Smid: (interrupting) Of course we're alive!
Imenand: I'm not.
Issa: I'm not alive either.
Smid: Fine. We're in the state of death or life that we prefer to be in.
Issa: I'd prefer to be alive.
Thrimlach: Well too bad, Penguin! You're not!
Councilman 1: Well, I suppose you're going to kill us...
Thrimlach: (interrupting) Is money all you want?
Councilman 2: Yes, we want you to pay your taxes! 10% of your business earnings.
Thrimlach: That's easy! Why didn't you just send a crow or something?
Councilman 1: We didn't know where to send it.
Smid: Use magic, you idiots! This is the Empire!
Thrimlach: Scry a little bit! I thought you were supposed to be sneaky Council types.
Issa: I mean, really. It's like you guys aren't even trying.
Councilman 1: Well, we're sorr...
Smid: (interrupting) Anyway!
Councilman 2: Anyway, Vincenzo told us to do it.
Smid: I know, I know, and you said yes without even talking to me, so...
Councilman 1: We are like the Stormtroopers of Town Councils.
Councilman 2: We do follow you, after all.
Smid: And look where it's gotten you.
Rhomande: Just remember who came before you. There was that Half-Demon Cancer Mage running things here.
Smid: Yeah. We killed him. FOR YOU. So, once again you guys have totally blew it. Hang your heads. Get in a wagon. Go back to Oakvale and let us handle this. Don't make any decisions without talking to me first.
Thrimlach: Sir Gnome will be there with a bag of gold to pay your taxes in...6 to 8 weeks. 10 if he gets distracted.
Smid: Until then...Until then...
Rhomande: Quest, Quest, Quest, Geas, Quest. (SFX: 82229_timbre_zebedee-s-evil-twin-2.mp3 x3, 121894_stephensaldanha_magical-effect.wav x1, 82229_timbre_zebedee-s-evil-twin-2.mp3 x1) *Penguin noise, 2 syllables* do what you're told next time.
Smid: Your quest is...is...
Thrimlach: (interrupting) To do your *Penguin noise, 2 syllables* job.
Smid: To do your *Penguin noise, 2 syllables* job. And ask an appropriate representative from Bear Industries before making any important decisions.
Rhomande: Well, I suppose we should still look for this Vincenzo. To get revenge upon him.
Smid: Uh yes, exactly. Vincenzo, where is he?
Councilman 1: He told us he was traveling to Khadavan, wherever that is. To negotiate with King Proutha.
Imenand: That's *Penguin Noises, 2 syllables*, we had a meeting with Don Vincenzo set for today!
Councilman 2: We don't know anything about any meeting with him. He hasn't been here for eight days.
Issa: Has anyone actually seen this Don Vincenzo?
Councilman 2: I did once. I mean, it was dark...and in the back room of the publican house. But I met him.
Issa: Really?
Councilman 2: Yes, he gave me directions.
Issa: Describe him.
Councilman 2: Oh, you know...He's a bloke. Who's kind of effeminate...maybe? There's a shadow right about...here, where his face would be. Had a big hat. Big, big hat. With a big, idunno...plume or some sort. And the brim was folded up on one side.
Issa: Rhomande, are you Don Vincenzo!?
Rhomande: No, of course not. He could be talking about anyone. Councilman, where did you say Don Vincenzo went?
Councilman 1: Don Vincenzo told us he was traveling to Khadavan to meet with King Proutha, that is all.
Smid: Can we...idunno, teleport? To Khadavan somehow?
The DM: Do you know where it is?
Imenand: Knowledge: Arcana! SFX: (d20 roll) According to the histories, the Arcanist Zertolio the Unintelligible once relayed a story of the paradise of foodstuffs. This was a notably odd diversion from the treatise on Sandeskarian Fire Rituals in which the aforementioned story is found. Khadavan was mentioned frequently. Unfortunately the story is almost unreadable, due to Zertolio the Unintelligible's poor grammar, liberal use of made-up symbols, and woefully inadequate penmanship. Scholars have not been able to agree weather the word was referring to a being, a place, or a technique used in psychological defense.
Tad: Psychological defense? Interesting...
Thrimlach: Knowledge: The Planes! SFX: (d20 roll) Khadavan is a free city in the Russet Hills of the Plane of Hycon.
Imenand: Knowledge: Religion! SFX: (d20 roll) The Goddess Harvane once established realms for all of her bounties as a reward for their servitude to the great cycles.
Smid: Great, but what does that have to do with anything?
Issa: Nothing!
Imenand: Well, one of those realms was called Hycon, smartass.
Tad: Is Hycon the plane of Wheat or something?
Rhomande: I believe it may be the plane...of Potatoes!
Thrimlach: Oh dear.
Tad: Russet Hills?
Issa: Gods. Damn it.
Smid: Well, I guess we're going to Hycon. Let's rest up, then Thrimlach can planeshift us there.
Thrimlach: Before we go I'll send Sir Gnome to Oakvale with the taxes. Will 10,000 Gold shut you up?
Councilman 1: Yes!
Rhomande: We could just shift Sir Gnome to Oakvale so he gets there quicker.
Councilman 1: But… But we're right here!
Thrimlach: You don't need the money right away. You can be poor a while longer. Sir Gnome, I place you on a quest to bring this gold to the Town Council in Oakvale! Take your time, have an adventure. Get picked up by an eagle and made into a nest for a while. Quest, Sir Gnome! SFX: (82229_timbre_zebedee-s-evil-twin-2.mp3 x1)
Sir Gnome: Yes, master.
Thrimlach: To Hycon! SFX: (122984_zimbot_portalmalfunction-medium.wav)
Scene 9:Potato Dreams
Music Bed: (Broken Cities – Toska-20-Sided Theatre Edit 2)
The DM: So, in our lives we dream and play at many things. Yet we have the conceit that only we dream of being other than we are. How many of us have dreamed of knighthood? Or wield the eldritch forces, or taking the forms of beasts? And why should not all creation dream so? The Goddess Harvane in all her bounty would reward the humblest plants. Allowing their afterlives to fulfill their deepest dreams. The...Heroes...of Oakvale and Western Scottalia were like many of us, having never dared to ask: “Would a potato ever dare to dream of being king?”
Music Bed: (End Broken Cities – Toska-20-Sided Theatre Edit 2)
SFX: (40555_frequman_pulley-2.wav)
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Scene 10:Credit Where Credit Is Due
Music Bed: (Credit Where Credit Is Due - VCMG)
SFX:(18666_halleck_curtain-call-16.flac)
Thrimlach: Visit The 20-Sided Theatre online at 20sidedtheatre.tumblr.com.
Rhomande: The 20-Sided Theatre is a joint production of Bear Industries and the Shenouda Necromancy Corporation and stars Jon Abinante, Blake Parker, Ceri Quattrin, Cian Quattrin, Rudraigh Quattrin, and Chris Wong.
Smid: Story by Rudraigh & Cian Quattrin. Original audio transcription and script by Blake Parker. Edited by Blake Parker.
Issa: Sound Effects Design by benboncan, Blake Parker, bosone, braffe2, cjosephwalker, cfork, cgeffex, cyberkineticfilms, cognito-perceptu, dalomargrimm, ddohler, dkifer, dobroide, erdie, freesound, frequman, ggctuk, halleck, joelaudio, Jon Abinanted, lonemonk, mattwasser, m-o-m, mrbubble110, nextmaking, noisecollector, patchen, pushtobreak, rock-savage, Rudraigh Quattrin, rutgermuller, sbarncar, stephensaldana, steveygos93, syna-max, timbre, wolfsinger, zerolagtime,and zimbot.
Imenand: Music by Bart Spaans, Broken Cities, o_ame, Sylvius Leopold Weiss, and VCMG. For a complete list of and links to all the music you heard on tonight's episode visit 20sidedtheatre.tumblr.com.
Tad: Join us next time at The 20-Sided Theatre!