Scene 1: Recap with the Action Town Criers

Rhomande: After spending a barely-ordinate amount of time in my dressing room, I have finally emerged to greet you, the combined audience of my own Insufferable Basterds and my beloved sister’s Red Hand Minstrel Assassins.  Since I’ve been in my private chambers, I haven’t even the foggiest idea about what’s been going on in Acoustica.  So, to catch all of us up on the news of the day, here’s Hera the daughter of Kronos with her cadre of unquenchable Furies!

Hera: Master Sorfinde!  Your sense of professionalism has been sorely lacking of late.  For the last time, my name is Hera Laris, and these are the Dipson Memorial Action Town Criers!

Rhomande: An excellent introduction, Dame Laris!  What’s the news, Hera?

Hera: What—But that’s not how you’re supposed to throw to— Sigh.  (to self) The goddesses help those who tolerate the correctible mistakes of others.  (regaining composure with a deep breath)  Thank you, Rhomande.  Tonight’s top story continues the hunt for the criminal prankster known only by the obvious pseudonym “Spanglegloves”.  Incidents of property destruction and violence have recently erupted across the town of Acoustica and its swampy outskirts.  We go now to the Action Town Criers’ very own Pinky the Problematic Dragon-Pixie for more information.  Pinky?

Pinky: Thank you, Hera.  As you can see from the sign sticking out of the wreckage behind me, the Hammock Taphouse and Grill collapsed this morning, killing four people and seven domesticated animals.  Local authorities currently suspect foul play, largely due to the main support branches, which you’ll be able to see clearly if Adanska can get the scrycrystal recorder close enough… Is that good, Adanska?  He’s giving me the thumbs-up, so that means you can clearly see these two notches in the support branch, where someone seems to have sawed a quarter of the way through the bough from each side.  Alright, Adanska.  That should be a good enough shot.  Let’s get back down to the ground before something else up here breaks and crushes us to death—er… crushes me to death.  You’re already a ghost.

((Sfx: flying pixie wings, starting around “which you’ll be able to see clearly” ending around “already a ghost””))

Hera: Pinky, why has this “Spanglegloves” issued their threats and enacted their violences upon this unsuspecting hamlet?

Pinky: Well, Hera, according to my sources, this “Spanglegloves” began issuing threats a little under a month ago, but the most violent of these pranks didn’t start until the past two days.  They’re apparently upset that the Red Hand Minstrel Assassins will not be headlining this year’s Traditional Acoustican Birthday Hoedown Festival.  The fact that the most popular five-piece musical act in the Empire will be replaced by the most popular single act seems to make no difference to this glitter-handed terrorist.  

Hera: How terrible!  As every bleeding-edge music fan knows, the Traditional Acoustican Birthday Hoedown is the largest, most popular music festival in the Province of Scottalia.  Somewhere on the order of ten thousand visitors typically descend upon the swamp at this time of year, making security a top priority for the town, just ahead of clean water and plentiful foodstuffs.

Pinky: Huh.  I didn’t know that.  I’d never even heard of this festival until just a little while ago, when I was assigned to this story.

Hera: That is because you sit upon the dull edge of the knife that is musical fandom, Pinky.  Somewhere down near the quillions, where the sharpening stone actually doesn’t do much good.  Anything else to report, Pinky?

Pinky: Just that the public need not fear for their safety at this particular festival.  Both the Red Hand and the Insufferable Basterds are aiding the Acoustican Public Investigators’ Guild in the search for this Spanglegloves character.  A reward of three gold puntillos has been offered for any information leading to the capture of this dangerous individual.  Back to you, Hera!

Hera: Thank you, Pinky.  Up next, The Wiz will show us three simple tricks for cleaning your home and taking control of your life.  But first, a word from our sponsors.

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Rhomande: O my Appreciated Patrons, please do settle in upon your brazen benches, slurp out your gaudy cups, enkindle your combustibles, and adjust your listening devices that you may thoroughly enjoy your scryomantic stereoscopic evening at The 20-Sided Theatre.