Scene 1: Recap with the Action Town Criers

Rhomande: Well, my adroable boosters.  Things have certainly taken a turn for the worse, and I’m not talking about the constant, nagging messages we keep receiving from the Emperor and the Imperial Defense Council.  No, my faithful friends, a great ill wind has seen fit to lift my tunic right up over my head.  Here’s Hairy Larry to tell you more.

Hera: Ahem.  My name is Hera Laris of the Dipson Memorial Action Town Criers.  Where has your sense of professionalism gone, Master Sorfinde?

Rhomande: I’m sorry, Hera.  With my sibling in such close proximity, I’m a little on edge.  Let’s try that again.  I bring you now to Hera Laris and the Dipson Memorial Action Town Criers for more information!

Hera: Thank you, Rhomande.  Tonight’s top story tells of the largest musical festival ever to take place in the Deep North of Scottalia.  People of various species are flocking to the town of Acoustica as we speak, to hear the musical stylings of the largest, most flamboyant, most popular stage act in all the Empire: The Red Hand Minstrel Assassins!  We go now to our newly hired music and culture correspondent, J’awn Roderorc for the full story.  J’awn?

J’awn: Thank you, Hera.  As you can see behind me, the preporcrations for the traditional Scottalian Sweet 216 are well undorc way.  The stage is almost fully orcrected, and the stage magicians are currently testing their various stage spells and special orcffects.  

((Sfx: Crash))

J’awn: But, uh… These elves don’t seem to be up-to-date with the strict Imperial Safety and Health Orcganization’s regulations, so things keep breaking and orccasionally maiming one or two of my cousins on the Illiterate Barbarian Road Crew.  Laborc is cheap, though, and orc lives are cheaper than most, so despite any setbacks the show will go on as planned.  And, orccording to this note from Pamande Mulkafinde, the most famous elven Pig Farmorc in the Deep North, nobody in town has mentioned any thoughts or rumorcs of saborctage.

Hera: Actually, J’awn, I did hear word that the festival has sabotaged its own schedule of performances.  

J’awn: Well, Hera, the Red Hand usually headlines this event, but since this year’s festorcval is being thrown in honorc of their front-elf and body percussionist, Izreanna Alafinde, the lineup’s been thrown into some disorcray.  

Hera: Disorcray—er… Disarray?  How so, J’awn?

J’awn: Orccording to these swamp elves’ local suporcstitions, if the birthday-person sings even the briefest sixteenth-note of the Nameday Song during her party, or if the song begins between a half-note too early and an eigth-note too late, then the swamp will dry up and these elves will be forced to endure a thousand years of drought.  More than that, Miss Alafinde is so closely orcssociated with the musorcal stylings of the Hand that for them to perform without her would be worse than not taking the stage at all!

Hera: Then, who will be headlining this year’s show?

J’awn: Izzy’s slightly-orcverdue twin brother and his Insufforcable Basterds have been hired to play the show in their place.  I’ve heard that Rhomande guy play in concorc before; he’s actually pretty good.  But I’ve never even heard of his backing band.  When I was still tour’cing with the Eastorc Nation Typhoon, we once opened for the Unlovable Orcphans, but then they broke up two years latorc, in ’56.  Not sure who these Insufforcable Basterds are.  But we here at the Action Town Criorcs will bring you more inforcmation as it becomes orcvailable.  Back to you, Hera!

Hera: Thank you, J’awn Roderorc, and welcome to our news team!  When we return from our break, we will take you to Pinky the Problematic Dragon-Pixie for this month’s tips and tricks for ecological preservation.  But first, a word from our sponsors!

Tipp: Oh.  Hello there.  I didn’t notice you while I was polishing my cordovan boots and chewin’ on this SlidingTech Potato-Based Foodlike Product Bar.  Well, since you’re here, I might as well tell you about the new line of The Mammoth King Brand Grooming Products for Exotic Mounts.  I’ve never used the stuff before, but he’s payin’ it so I’m sayin’ it.  His majesty the Mammoth King isn’t just the mascot, president, and spokesman for the company, but he’s also a highly satisfied customer.  Isn’t that right, The Mammoth King?

((Sfx: Mammoth King))

Mammoth King: I AM THE MAMMOTH KING!

((Sfx: Mammoth King))

Tipp: The Mammoth King Brand exotic mount grooming products are made with only the finest, all natural ingredients, sustainably sourced from the frigid highlands that his majesty The Mammoth King calls home.  What?  You want a second opinion or something?  Well, fine.  Just listen to this testimonial from some half-orc called Skrump Jugga.

((Sfx: Mammoth King))

Skrump: Me use The Mammoth King Brand exotic mount grooming product on me riding Rhino every day.  Him hide never be thicker than whens me rub The Mammoth King Brand Hide Ointment on him butt.  Many thank, The Mammoth King!

((Sfx: Mammoth King))

Mammoth King: I AM THE MAMMOTH KING!

((Sfx: Mammoth King))

Tipp: Well, there you go.  Two endorsements, and one of them’s straight from the Mammoth’s Trunk.  Purchase your very own The Mammoth King Brand Exotic Mount Grooming Products from your local Pan-Species Stable today!

((Sfx: Mammoth King))

Mammoth King: I AM THE MAMMOTH KING!

((Sfx: Mammoth King))

Rhomande: O noble members of my beloved audience, please do lie down upon your silver-chased couches, gulp your drinks, ignite your bear grass, and adjust your listening devices that you may find yourselves thoroughly engrossed in your evening at The 20-Sided Theatre.