Scene 1: Recap and Story Thus Far

Rhomande: Well, my beloved audience, things are not looking good for my Insufferable Basterds.  We have been at sea for the past seven weeks, and now we are all beginning to succumb to scurvy and dehydration.  You see, Father Maldreth and Master Shenouda have declared a War on Foodstuffs, so they have dumped all of our supplies overboard and ceased their castings of Create Food & Water.  Thrimlach ceatharinn is doing the worst of us all, due to his insistence that he drink only Sir Gnome’s urine.  Being a skeleton, Sir Gnome has not produced any urine in quite some time.  But you don’t want to hear about any of that.  You’re here to catch up on the news of the day, and who better to up your catching than Chip Dipson’s Action Town Criers!  What’s the news, Chip?

((Sfx: Action Town Criers News Theme begins))

Chip: Thank you, Master Sorfinde!  Tonight’s top story begins in the aftermath of the attack on Trur Dros.  Sadly, no survivors have been found to date.  Fortunately, no bodies have been found either, so there may yet be hope for those who have lost loved ones in this terrible event.  The investigation was interrupted by a magic orb sent by the Emperor of a far-off realm.  Here’s The Wiz with more.

The Wiz: That crazy emperor wants me to go south to some portal, so I can fulfill my destiny as the Christmas Maggots or something.  I wasn’t really paying attention.  Whatever he said, I didn’t write any of it down, so here’s Engar Flamehand with more.  He’s like a hundred and a half years old.

Engar: I am eighty-nine today, my dear.  The accelerated aging loop should have me at 80 again by mid-evening.  And the Emperor named you the Crimson Magus of the Foreseen Champions.  Not “the Christmas Maggots”.  He then asked us to find the Portal of Pa’vos, which may be under threat from a terrorist group known as The Sisters of the Many, who are led by a being known as Kasalan the Hateful.  

The Wiz: Thanks, Engie!  Well, that’s all the stuff about the emperor guy.  Back to you, Chip!

Chip: Thank you, the Wiz!  Investigations are currently underway.  If you have any information about the Prophesy of the Crimson Magus, the Foreseen Champions, or the Portal of Pa’vos, please scry our news team immediately.  And now to Pinky the Problematic Pixie for today’s weather report!

Pinky: Hi Chip!  (then, more quietly) How was that?  Did that sound professional enough, Adanska?  

Adanska: You are doing well, Pinky.  Just remember to look directly at the scrycrystal when you speak, and not at the ghostly wound in my clavicle.  

Pinky: (quietly) Thanks, Adanska!  (loudly) Well, Chip, there’s a sandstorm blowing in from the Golas Desert to the north, so we recommend that everybody take shelter until the storm passes.  Once we wrap this scrycast up, the whole team is heading into the Crack in the Walled Mountains, to stay safe.  Back to you, Chip!

Chip: Thank you, Pinky!  A group of adventurers reported yesterday that the Crack in the Wall may be a more dangerous place usual.  We go now to our senior ecology correspondent, Hera Laris, for more. 

Hera: Thank you, Chip.  Other than the attack on Trur Dros, the Golas Desert has been unnervingly quiet for the past five days.  The bandit clan reported a day and a half south of the oasis seems to have packed up and vanished, leaving no trace of their campsite.  And the packs of roving Dire Camels for which the Firesand Desert is most well known are all but extinct.  One small herd of two Dire Camels was spotted yesterday, from the great heights of the Crack in the Wall.  Despite the collapsing web of life in this desertscape, the Formic Ant People seem to be thriving underground.  More on this as the story develops.  Back to you, Chip!

Chip: Thank you, Hera.  This just in!  An alliance seems to have been brokered between the Formics of the Crack and the Sisters of the Many.  An adventuring group has been dispatched immediately to investigate the situation.  That’s all the news that’s worth crying for tonight.  This is Chip Dipson signing off.

((Sfx: Action Town Criers News Theme ends))

Engar: And now, a word from our sponsor.

Rhomande: Lords and Ladies of my beloved audience, recline upon your gilded seats, quaff your libations, and adjust your listening devices to receive the full stereophonic, scryocastic selection of sounds that we have prepared for you.  And, please, thoroughly enjoy your evening at The 20-Sided Theatre!