Scene 1: Introductions

Rhomande: While my Insufferable Basterds spend the next few months traversing the open seas, with very little to break the monotony, I shall guide your attention toward a new group of heroes from the far off realm of Rhios.  These fresh-faced individuals travel the lands, crying the news of local dangers, then dealing with said dangers, so that the common people might sleep a little better.  It is my pride and joy to introduce Chip Dipson’s Action Town Criers!

Rhomande: Led by your anchorman, Chip Dipson, a gnome cleric of Paldas the Bright.  Spreading the news, both good and bad, with a kindly, trustworthy countenance!

Chip: Come on, guys!  Gold Point isn’t going to warn itself of any dangers!  It’s our gods-given duty to spread the word of the day, or may Paldas the Bright strike me blind!

Rhomande: The Action Criers’ entertainment correspondent: The Wiz!  A shapely human harlequin illusionist whose voice annoys me only slightly less than the Dancing Lights girl I hired last year.  She has a teeeeensy bit of a learning disability; specifically, she has Dyscrustacia.  But her adorable handwriting with all those hearts over the I’s more than makes up for it.

The Wiz: Come on, Pally!  If you ever want to turn that frown upside down, then you’ll have to get more comfortable around my enormous stockpile of plantain cream pies!

Rhomande: The Criers’ war correspondent, Hera Laris: a disapproving human paladin mounted atop a celestial Riding Bird.  Her iron skirts are divided for battle!

Hera: The Wiz, if you put a pie anywhere near me or Chockie, you’d better be prepared to lose the hands that launched it.

((Sfx: wark/chirp of an ostrich-sized bird whenever someone mentions Chockie))

Rhomande: Bringing you all of the sports news you want – so long as you want to hear about Ectoball – the vengeful psychic ghost of Adanska Rothgeld!  Once a living member of the Action Town Criers, this easily frustrated Maenad was accidentally stricken in the face by the axe of a one Ox Balbjorn.  He now haunts the offending weapon, seeking eternal revenge on an inanimate object.

Adanska: Boo!  Come on!  Boo!  Be afraid, you stupid Axe!  

Rhomande: The Action Town Criers’ most Senior correspondent of all, the venerable and aged Engar Flamehand!  A human fire magus in his early 80s who brings you the most up-to-date Health and Wellness news possible.

Engar: Almost every illness can be cured with a little leeching, followed by a LOT of cauterizing!

Rhomande: Lords and Ladies of my beloved audience, recline upon your gilded seats, quaff your libations, and adjust your listening devices to receive the full stereophonic, scryocastic selection of sounds, so you may thoroughly enjoy your evening at The 20-Sided Theatre!