Scene 1: Recap and Further Carousing

Rhomande: Not much has happened in the four months since returning to Oak Vale and the other places we frequent on the Prime Material Plane. But Thrimlach Ceatharinn did manage to find Kelora Tamlin, a long-time ally who decided to buckle her swash on the high seas. The dread sea mistress’ retinue currently consists of one Lorelei Lunascale, a pacifist druid whose dedication to the Radiant Celestial Dragon Athairsidrinn the Open-Hearted, known as the Father of Eternity, should be avoided in conversation at all costs. Not leastwise because mine was the hand that struck him down! In any case, we were having a lovely evening of catching up with friends and companions, while ignoring a scruffy, homeless penguin.

((sfx: twittering; bar sounds in background fading in toward end?))

Thrimlach: … and that’s the story of how I paid my taxes, once!

Stiev: Wait… What are taxxxxxessssss?

Issa: They’re the things we collect from the peasants.

Imenand: Things like arms, legs, lungs, and other assorted “components”.

Issa: I meant more like grain or fish harvests – and whatever coins we can shake out of them – but I guess some of us do collect a lot of body parts.

Maldreth: As a religious institution, the First Scottalian Temple of the Warfather is exempt from the crown’s taxation. We are supported entirely by the tithes of our faithful: ten percent of all production belongs to us, be it money, foodstuffs, or offspring.

Kelora: That sounds suspiciously like piracy, to me. And I should know from piracy, after that three-episode arc that Lorelei and I had last year, on the Kelora Tamlin Adventure Scrycast Extravaganza Hour, brought to you by ArenaCorp. Plus, all the piracy that I do in my off time.

((Sfx: twittering birds))

Rhomande: No, no, this is a more legitimate-sounding collection scheme that’s completely different from piracy. It happens on the land, inside of towns, for starters!

Lorelei: Did you open up a bank? They handle lots of money on land!

Rhomande: No, that’s not quite right, either. Uh, Ceatharan? What’s the word for “the town leadership was both corrupt and inept, so now they work for us, and we skim 16% off the top”? I know there’s a word for that in Elvish.

Imenand: Rhomande, I believe the word you are so ineptly searching for is “racketeering”.

Thrimlach: I think the Elvish “cavortechtwa” sounds much better.

Kelora: Ooo! Hang on a second, guys! There’s something important that I have to tell you all. Lorelei, can you please cover your ears for a bit?

((Sfx: twittering birds))

Lorelei: Of course, Kelora! I’ll put my hands over my ears and sing the Traditional Moon Elf Song of Innocence! Dum dee dum doo doo la laaaa!

Kelora: Yeah, that’s good. So, um… I’m not quite sure how to say this, but… Lorelei’s my prisoner.

((Sfx: twittering birds))

Thrimlach: Yeah? So? I had kinda assumed that she was your version of Sir Gnome or something.

Tuxedo Beak: Does she not know that she’s your prisoner? You know, Kelora, that only disaster can come from keeping secrets.

Issa: That’s right! The “no secrets” rule is why Tuxie and I have such a great relationship!

Rhomande: If you’d like, I can suggest that she not remember this conversation!

Maldreth: No need, Bard. The BRAIN SPIDERS are already on their way!

((Sfx: brain spiders))

Kelora: Um… thanks? Anyway, there was this island that was perfectly strategically placed for an… ahem… lucrative sailor such as myself. You know… (stage whisper) The P-word.

Stiev: Prosssselytizzzzerssss? Like Imenand and Maldreth keep ssssssending out from their templesssss?

Rhomande: No, Chameleon! She means “Pomegranates”! Her sailing has obviously been… Fruitful!

Kelora: Gods damnit, I hate you so much. PIRATES, okay? I’m a gods-damned pirate. Not a proselytizer or a – how the fuck could you possibly think that anyone could become a pomegranate for their job?

Rhomande: I don’t know what humans are and aren’t capable of, and the only thing I’m less interested in than that is finding out anything about dwarves!