Scene 1: Introductions

Music Bed: (Sylvius Leopold Weiss – Courante in F Major.mp3)

Rhomande: The curtain rises, and we rejoin our ““Heroes””—

DM: Really?  We’re going through all of that again?

Rhomande: What else would you call a group of adventurers who have killed not one, but two dragons that had been harassing people.

DM: Only the potato dragon was harassing people.  Athairsidrinn was trying to give you a warning.

Rhomande: Voice?  Are we people?

DM: Well… yeah… We’re pretty inclusive and open-minded, here, with our definition of “people”.

Rhomande: And when someone stops you in your daily travels to talk to you about something that they and only they are interested in or worried about, wouldn’t you call that “harassment”?

DM: Yeah.  I suppose it’s a relatively small type of harassment, but it still qualifies.

Rhomande: Well, under those definitions, we are ““people”” who were ““harassed”” by that dragon.  Ipso facto, ergo, et cetera… ““Heroes””.

((Sfx: d20 roll))

DM: Gods damnit.  Fine.  You’re still ““heroes””.

Rhomande: It is my pride and joy to introduce your evening’s ““Heroes””.  Oh, and voice?  Don’t think for one second that I missed  you pronouncing ““heroes”” with a lower-case “h”.

DM: Just get on with it, Bard.

Rhomande: It is my pride and joy to introduce your evening’s ““Heroes””.  Scottalia’s own Insufferable Basterds!

Rhomande: Imenand Shenouda, known throughout The Empire as The Weaponsmith.  He serves as President and spokesman of The Shenouda Necromancy Corporation. This mummified Human Wizard is ever accompanied by his Skeletal-Cat Familiar, Bastet.

Imenand: SFX: (4914_noisecollector_cat2.wav) Ah!  It is so satisfying to be back on the prime material plane!  My experiments went off without a hitch, and just today I have received a package from the Grand University of All Knowledges.  They wish me to… experiment … with an organism from the Plane of Plutonium!

Rhomande: The terrible, towering Maldreth the Impius, the ogre-blooded Patriarch of the Church of War, dedicated to Makar, Father of Strife!

Maldreth: Where is that idiot druid?  He was supposed to send me a list of the richest ore veins running throughout the Artsus Mountains, to the south.  Now how am I supposed to supply all of the chains for the redecoration of Saint Turbulus’ Home for Orphanable Children?

Rhomande: The new addition to my team: Stiev “the Chameleon” Pie-rabbat; thoroughly odorless, colorless, and deadly!

Stiev: Thissssss “outsssssssside” placccccce isssss amazzzzzing!  I never thought I’d get to sssssee a real, live town!  Look!  It’ssssss even got a wall around it, and a public houssssse, and everything!

Rhomande: Issa Featherfoot, Pengonquin Princess. A 7' tall shapeshifting Penguin Assassin!  She is attended by her faithful and oft-missing bodyguard, the mysterious Tuxedo Beak!

Issa: Mmmmm… Nothing tastes better than my mom’s Sahaugin Surprise Rolls!  I’m so glad we’re finally able to get fresh seafood again.

Tuxedo Beak: Don’t forget to leave room for dessert, fishball head!  Your mother the Empress sent you a batch of kelp muffins along with the sushi rolls.

Issa: Ugh.  Health food.

Rhomande: Thrimlach Lenanien! A blindfolded Elf Sorcerer with a blackened potato perched on one shoulder and a reanimated Stitched Raven on the other.  He is attended by his minions, Torrea Marsvel, an Undead Paladin and Sir Gnome, his faithful Gnome-Skeleton valet.  

Thrimlach: Come along, Torrea.  You, too, Lorramar.  Ugh.  And Sir Gnome, I guess.  I’m not mad at you for the family thing, anymore.  But if you’re ever going to be able to protect Thrimlette and Sir Gnome, Jr., then I’ll have to toughen you up a bit!

Torrea: Yes, Lord Thrimlach.

Lorramar: <kwok> You got it, boss! <caw>

Sir Gnome: Yeth, Mathter.

Rhomande: And last, but certainly not least: Yours truly, the incorrigible Rhomande Sorfinde! Bard in Extraordinaire, Beloved of Quadrillions, The Light of Every Dawn…

Issa: (interrupting) Bard!  (1-beat pause)  Shut!  Up!

Rhomande: An Elven Bard of pan-dimensional acclaim. But you already knew that, didn't you? Lords and Ladies of my beloved audience, recline upon your gilded seats, quaff your libations, adjust your listening devices to receive the full panoply of poco a poco primary melodies, that you may thoroughly enjoy your evening at The 20-Sided Theatre!

End Music Bed: (Sylvius Leopold Weiss – Courante in F Major.mp3)