Episode 28: The Bard and the Dancer

Scene 1: Recap with the Action Town Criers

Rhomande: Well, the big night is here.  After over a Century, the Inexilable Rhomande Sorfinde will be taking the stage at the Acoustica Stump, in order to play the Traditional Acoustican Birthday Hoedown for my sister Izreanna’s Sweet-216.  But I’ve been sequestered in the Great Trunk, tuning my lute and making costume selections for my Insufferable Backers… er… Basterds.  In any case, I don’t know what’s happened in town this afternoon, so here to bring you more is Lara Harris and the Dipson Memorial Action Town Criers!


Hera: Ugh.  (to self) It’s the closest he’s gotten in three newscasts, I suppose.  (to “camera”) Good evening.  I am Hera Laris and tonight’s top story continues the search for the criminal prankster known as “Spanglegloves”.  Just hours ago, an explosion rocked the Acoustica Tree of Records, scattering identifying documents far and wide across the swamp town.  We now go live to The Wiz on the scene.  The Wiz?


The Wiz: Thank ya, Pally!  As you can see behind me, the whole bottom floor of the Tree of Records was taken out by what authorities suspect to be a Blasting Skull Trap.  I mean… Whenever I cast Detect Magic, I can still feel really high levels of evocative and necromantic energy, so a Blasting Skull kinda makes sense here.  


Hera: Two groups of adventurers were supposed to be investigating the situation yesterday, The Wiz.  Where were they at the time of the explosion.


The Wiz: Well, about half of the Insufferable Basterds and the drummer from the Red Hand were at ground zero, but from all accounts they were tryin’ to disarm the thing.  Silly dummies didn’t realize that skulls already ain’t got no arms!  Anyway, it doesn’t look like anybody was killed or nothin’, so Rhomande yelled out a window for everyone to get up to the Great Trunk for costume fittin’s.  That’s all I gots for now, so back to you, Pally!


Hera: Thank you, The Wiz.  Remember: any information leading to the arrest or capture of the criminal known as Spanglegloves will be rewarded with three gold puntillos.  Please bring any such information to the Acoustica Town Guard or the Red Hand Minstrel Assassin Quintet as soon as possible.  When we return, Engar Flamehand will sit down in an exclusive interview with master Imenand Shenouda, Grand Weaponer of the Empire of Voladros and the Uiadhenns.  But first, a word from our sponsors.


Tipp: Well, hello there.  I must not’ve noticed you sneakin’ up, on account of how I’m cleaning out this Myth and Stetson, 97-caliber dwarven hand cannon.  Lemme just lay this on the table here between us, so’s I can tell you about Spirit of the Swift Wind’s Express Delivery Service.  Do you have a fragile package or frangible parcel that won’t survive the bumpin’ and jostlin’ that’s typical of the competitors at Sliding Peck Deliveries.  I mean, them penguins’re cute, and their shippin’s quick, but their handlin’ leaves something to be desired.  Must be the flippers.  Anyhow, you don’t want none o’ that low-quality kind of delivery service.  And you’re a smart one, so you know you can trust your most breakable bags, boxes, crates, and cargo with Spirit of the Swift Wind’s Express Delivery Service.  Because no other service uses off-duty paladin mounts who can run your mail straight from a starburst in the sky right to the recipient’s feet.  


Tipp: I’m Tipp Indecent, and they’re payin’ it, so I’m sayin it: [Spirit of the Swift Wind’s Express Delivery Service] is the finest [mail delivery service] available in your area.


((Sfx: SotSW))


Tipp: (to be cut and pasted, as if he recorded the frame once, and they just edit in the product and description) [Spirit of the Swift Wind’s Express Delivery Service]    [mail delivery service]


Rhomande: Coves and Cozies of my blood-lusting audience, lay back in your gilded boxes, gulp down your libations again and again and again, adjust your listening devices to receive both channels, that you may thoroughly enjoy your evening at the Arena of Ahk’ra—er… Ahem.  Enjoy your evening at The 20-Sided Theatre.

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